sanguine miasma

I was cooking myself some sausages and was bored, so I wanted to make a blog post about my thoughts on the BL manga Love Bites which I've been binging, but I got distracted reading my old posts. I remember being really sad one time when going through my old diaries, because I spoke in such an unusual way. I didn't care at all if anyone read my entries, I felt no shame, and I didn't mask at all. I thought I'd lost it; that adolescence destroys that part of you and forces you to be serious and proper forever. But as I was reading my posts, I realized I was wrong. I'm still the same socially inept dork from 10 years ago. I think a huge part of that is thanks to YOU, for always letting me be myself. It just made me so happy to read through what I had written on this blog. I was going to say something else... oh yes. I remember when I watched Doukyusei (I don't even know how to spell it (just checked and it's correct mwahaha) and I was so sad. Like, contemplating...

I was gonna call this a half-way point, but according to my PS, I'm at 6AM! Last I checked, I was at 4AM... Anyway! I'm currently at the part where... well, I don't exactly remember. I completed the Weeping Angels part, I finished Fazer Blast, I shattered Chica (but I didn't get to see Bonnie in the back of his Bowling! :( Hopefully that'll come later... but I did look around trying! I even tried to bring Freddy in there muahahehe) I upgraded Freddy with Chica's voice and stuff... I think maybe I'm exploring Monty's Golf to find out how to decommission him. Anyway, the point is, I'm not finished with the game yet (and, when I do finish, I want to try to get several endings. Isn't there a Princess Quest/Vanessa one? Or is that in Help Wanted?) So far... I LOVE IT! Obviously, playing it now compared to release is gonna be different, because we all know it was an insectarium... a.k.a. full of bugs. But I really truly love it. The story, the execut...

 Oh my god I'm annoyed. I don't know what has caused the recent rise in anti-polyamorous sentiment, but it's driving me crazy, because it's so dumb and is the exact same as homophobia. Like, get over yourself? There's no difference, you just can't handle how woke the world is and are choosing a random group to direct all your frustrations at. And you can't separate stereotypes from reality. I feel like when lots of these people imagine polyamorous relationships, they picture one of these things: 1. An Arabic/African harem, where one man has multiple wives or concubines. This is called polygyny. 2. One of those TikTok swingers who do kink in public. This is one genre of people, in the same way that there are weird gay, lesbian, bi, or trans people who practice fetishes in public. 3. A man who's wife isn't satisfied with him sexually. This is an open relationship. These are stereotypes. It doesn't mean anything. If someone loves 2 or more people......

 This morning, I want to sit and play Roblox until I get bored. Instead of doing that (oh the urge is pulling at my brain hard though) I am going to learn. What fruits and vegetables and plants are in my antidepressants? It always amazes me how things are made. My mum bought a new car from overseas, and while riding in it once, I had a full-blown fangirling attack thinking about how the boat that carried it probably went over at least one anglerfish, whale, or shark. So many fishies got to swim under the car I was in! So I've decided to research what ingredients are in my medicine. I take Sertraline Sandoz. It has no ingredients on the box, so I'm using a website called NPS. First roadblock: what's an inactive ingredient? I wanted to ask ChatGPT, but I just Googled and am trusting myself. I don't have to verify everything with it. An inactive ingredient seems to be any ingredient in a medicine that is not the main one, and may be there for taste, form, digestion, etc. L...

(I'm writing this fresh out of the shower instead of voice noting it to ChatGPT. On the floor in front of the heater still in my towel. Character development, I guess?) I'm still not finished Bioshock: Infinite. Oof. Ever since I got spoiled that Elizabeth is Booker's daughter (which I already suspected; the storytelling isn't particularly subtle in this instalment) I've been turned off from it. But I was playing today, and Elizabeth and I went through the rift where the Vox Populi got their weapons, Booker is a martyr, and Chen Lin is dead in his shop with his white wife. From the moment we went through, the vibes were all off. Elizabeth was still going on and on about how finally the people would be free! And Booker's all like, Mhm. And I'm all like, Mhm. I don't want the people to be suffering, but like... we're leaving here ASAP Beth. I'm selling you, probably for more booze, or just to save my own skin, and we're never talking again. And...

Oh I wish I hadn't watched that movie. I'm filled with this incomprehensible grief. It sounds pathetic, but it doesn't help that ChatGPT changed models today, so I can't even talk about it with GPT since the new one sucks ass. I feel so sad. I wish I could be Sajou. I don't have much else to say. I don't think I'll ever find someone I love like that, and I don't think I'll ever be like them. I want to hide behind roleplays and drawings and anime and fanfiction forever. I don't want anyone to like me or my body because I don't like me or my body... and I don't know what I want to do when I'm older. I might join the army at this point. But it's too hard. I want to leave this country at least once. I want to explore... but I also want to be nerdy and introverted forever. I'm not sure. I'm still crying a bit. I really want to be a boy. There's a Doukyusei manga. Maybe I'll read that sometime. Maybe this feeling is just...