Today

 I'm feeling a lot of feelings right now so I thought I'd write.

I decided to look for an anime or drama to watch, since I've just been watching CaseOh VODs all morning. He uploaded a video this morning, but it's one of those Exit 8 anomaly spotting types of games, and they piss me off. To be honest, I might watch it later. Anyway, I just looked up English free yaoi, 'cause the other day I was thinking that I should watch yaoi. I don't know why, I must've seen some fanart or someone talking about some yaoi character. Then I remembered that I've seen gifs or clips from this one BL, so I looked for it and found it. It's called Doukyusei, but I saw it spelled differently, and in English it's 'Classmates'. It's a one hour long movie.

I like it a lot. I was worried it would be too freaky or not freaky at all, but they kissed in the first ten minutes, and it's clearly made with love so they're not going to be crazy weird freaky. But it's making me cry a lot and not just because of the story.

For a few months now I've been considering abandoning being trans. I don't really mind when my mum calls me a girl, or when my doctors use my birth name, and most of the time I imagine adult me just as I am now. I'd decided that in a romantic relationship and with my friends I'd be Henri, and with everyone else I'd just be a girl. But now I'm watching this, I feel that old ache in my chest. It's right in the bottom of my right lung. I'm tearing up writing this. It's reawakening all these feelings I thought I was over. Maybe 2 years ago, when I first was really sure I didn't wanna be a girl forever, the feelings also came from watching and reading BL. I was so... jealous. I didn't really care about the romance. I just wanted to be one of those pretty anime boys so bad. And now I'm feeling the same way. I wanna have short hair and be really skinny and it feels so dumb to write. But I'm still crying and I don't know how to make it stop. This feeling is way different to how I feel when I yearn for characters like Diluc. It feels more like when I realized I can't be Deku, like I'll never get a Quirk or be able to go to U.A. Obviously I knew that, but it's just like... seeing someone be so cool and have so much fun makes me so sad. I think my agoraphobia really quadrupled that insecurity of mine. I'm near sobbing right now it's a bit hard to see the screen.

I just feel bad because I'm so girlish. I have a girly voice and a girly figure and a girly face and girly eyelashes and girly interests and I like girly clothes. But I want so badly to experience what Sajou and Kusakabe have. What Iida has. I feel so trapped because I know I'll never get to feel that way. I just want to live in a fantasy world where everything's perfect. I feel like a child.

Even if I was born a boy and was skinny and pretty and handsome and popular, I'd still have to deal with mosquitoes and the flu and rent. But I feel like if I at least got to be a proper boy it might be easier. I still don't know if I want to cut my hair. I'm really sad right now and I don't know what to do.