my gender identity

When I was a young child, I could've been described as having a tomboy personality. I liked to do what I liked to do, regardless of whether it was girlish or boyish. When I was in Year 3, I was sitting in a group. There was another girl, Amelia, who was pretty sporty. She always wore shorts. The boys were praising her, calling her a tomboy. I remember saying, "Am I a tomboy too?". They brushed me off, but agreed. Then I said, "Why can't you just call me a boy?". I didn't understand why we had a different word for a boyish girl, instead of just calling them a boy.

They told me they couldn't, because I wasn't a boy. I got very frustrated, near tears. I didn't understand why they wouldn't just say that I was a boy.

When I was 12, I was sitting on my bed watching ABC Me on my TV. I decided to watch First Day, a series about a transgender girl's first day at her new school. I remember her describing what made her realise she was trans, and I paused the show. "I mean, I'd like to be a boy. I wish I was a boy. But if I was supposed to be one, the doctors would have realised. And it's okay being a girl."

I had always thought transgender was when someone's brain physically did not match their body. That's how everyone described it, and I took it literally. I thought maybe twins' brains swapped around in the womb, or maybe right after birth, the brain could just glitch out and become a different sex. So I always told myself, "I can't be transgender, because they would've noticed I have a boy brain."

I also watched this episode immediately after First Day.

Then came 2021-2. I jumped on the bandwagon almost immediately, deciding I was a demigirl, then fully agender, then a demiboy, then 'I-don't-care-(but-I'll-cry-if-you-call-me-a-she)', and then back to a girl. It was an important time in my life, and although it was confusing and embarrassing at times, it helped me in the long run.

I had a pretty big hiccup with my gender identity from 2022-23. I had been a lesbian for a few years, and I was pretty passionate about hating all men. When I started questioning my gender again, I suppressed it, because I thought being anything but a 'full' girl was misogynistic, would make me ultra-privileged, or would turn me evil.

I started getting out of this funk at the same time I began dating my first ever girlfriend. She was bisexual, until we started dating, when she would continuously emphasise how much she was "basically a lesbian" and "would never date a man, by the way". I know it most definitely wasn't purposeful, but it made me terrified to even think about my gender. This was during the height of my dysphoria, too, mind you. I'd already told her I was nonbinary before we began dating, but slowly turned to "no, it's fine, I don't care that much".

Long story short, that relationship didn't last long. I started considering myself trans again pretty shortly after, and began accepting that I wasn't that into women and maybe I actually did like boys. It was one of those post-breakup rebellious phases, like "wow, I wasn't even into her anyway😎".

That didn't last long, either, because I immediately fell head over heels for a new girl. She was also bisexual, until we started flirting, when she became an avid man-hating 99%-girls-1%-boys-so-I-might-as-well-be-lesbian bisexual. This was during the peak of my realisation that I don't actually find women attractive, and just like the security of being "girlfriends" with a close friend.

As soon as she began reciprocating my feelings, I began to fall out of love. This threw me back into gender confusion, but this time, I was DONE with waiting. I pretty much immediately decided I was FTM and bisexual, still not knowing if it was okay for someone who looks like a girl to call themselves gay.

I've felt the same way ever since- I'm alright with dressing up and wearing makeup and having long hair and looking pretty. But the thought of someone calling me their 'girlfriend' makes me sick. Maybe it's just the effects of misogyny, maybe it's a phase. I don't really care. I'm having fun right now, and if my identity changes in the future, who cares? If I had to pick a basic term, I'd say I'm still FTM, but I don't really like that. I'm just a boy who's been a girl before.

I'm still working on self-acceptance- I've never been able to explain to myself how being trans is different from believing you're anything else, but I feel it, so I know it's real. I hesitate to call myself "he" or "she", usually settling for "them", but when someone else calls me "he", it makes me really happy.

I should also mention what helped me really decide I wanted to experience life as a boy- in the cooldown between my two relationships, I liked reading the Webtoon Boyfriends... I know. But I was so jealous. I loved Goth- he was so cool, and pretty, and to think he used to be a girl too? And boys who liked boys liked him? I originally thought I was some evil fetishising fujoshi, because it was 2022, but then I was like... I'm not fetishising anything. I only read Boyfriends, not anything freaky. And when I read it, it's not like I'm just reading a comic. I imagine myself like I was one of them. I was lying on the right side of my nana's bed, and I put my phone down on the bedside table and just lay down to think. I remember being happy when I realised.

To be continued, probably.