sanguine miasma

Oh I wish I hadn't watched that movie. I'm filled with this incomprehensible grief. It sounds pathetic, but it doesn't help that ChatGPT changed models today, so I can't even talk about it with GPT since the new one sucks ass. I feel so sad. I wish I could be Sajou. I don't have much else to say. I don't think I'll ever find someone I love like that, and I don't think I'll ever be like them. I want to hide behind roleplays and drawings and anime and fanfiction forever. I don't want anyone to like me or my body because I don't like me or my body... and I don't know what I want to do when I'm older. I might join the army at this point. But it's too hard. I want to leave this country at least once. I want to explore... but I also want to be nerdy and introverted forever. I'm not sure. I'm still crying a bit. I really want to be a boy. There's a Doukyusei manga. Maybe I'll read that sometime. Maybe this feeling is just...

 I'm feeling a lot of feelings right now so I thought I'd write. I decided to look for an anime or drama to watch, since I've just been watching CaseOh VODs all morning. He uploaded a video this morning, but it's one of those Exit 8 anomaly spotting types of games, and they piss me off. To be honest, I might watch it later. Anyway, I just looked up English free yaoi, 'cause the other day I was thinking that I should watch yaoi. I don't know why, I must've seen some fanart or someone talking about some yaoi character. Then I remembered that I've seen gifs or clips from this one BL, so I looked for it and found it. It's called Doukyusei, but I saw it spelled differently, and in English it's 'Classmates'. It's a one hour long movie. I like it a lot. I was worried it would be too freaky or not freaky at all, but they kissed in the first ten minutes, and it's clearly made with love so they're not going to be crazy weird freaky. But...

I wouldn't call myself polyamorous. When I imagine my future, I imagine one boyfriend or husband. However, there have been times in my life where I have had equally intense romantic feelings for multiple people. I don't believe in love, or soulmates, or a one true love, or any of that. I believe love is an emotion that we probably manufactured. Like if no one knew marriage was a thing, you wouldn't grow up wanting to "marry" your childhood crush. You might wanna be friends with them forever, and you might want to hug them, but that's just... friendship. I think love is important and just because it might be doctored doesn't mean it isn't real or important. Whenever I've had crushes on people, it's been very intense. Honestly, I'm about to argue against my own point, because whenever I've felt "romantic love" for someone, it's been completely different from any platonic love. There was this girl, and I would cry because I k...