sanguine miasma

First of all, I already made a comeback post (this blog's comeback, not Le Sserafim's) but it's in draft and may be posted one day in the future. I wanna talk about Le Sserafim's new song, Boompala! I LOVE the song. When I first saw teasers, I was kinda neutral. It got a lot of hate for being another "Gnarly" clone where they say something weird, so I was probably a bit more positive out of defensiveness. I didn't immediately listen when it came out; I never do for new music from anyone I like. But it came up on autoplay, and I watched it. The music video was a bit funny. It was all good, but the golden statues that came out of the sand were quite ridiculous. People are also criticising the intro, where a phone using Google's Gemini AI is shown. That's pretty fair. As for the song (and dance!) though, I ADORE it. It feels very personal to me. I'm about to sound really white, but as someone who's always felt a connection to East and South As...

One could say that I'm currently having a Bad Time, which is why I titled this blog as such. I can't stop sleeping, and I'm bored and obsessed with slop. I'm fat and ugly too. But that is not true. it is what your mind tells you... I started a new medication for my new diagnosis, which also has been getting me down. But the worst part is, it makes me so sleepy all the time. I already had to go down from 10mg to an emergency decrease to 5mg, to 2.5mg a day because of the side effects. UGH! It's so fucking annoying and makes me feel out of control of my body, and when I am paranoid it makes me think that they are going to try to hurt me when I am asleep. NEXT, I am obsessed with slop. I keep rewatching videos I've already seen instead of finishing games or continuing series that I actually love. It's so freaking dumb. I feel like it's like when I learnt cursive. It sucked but now I know cursive. Reading and watching and playing boring things right now will...

I was cooking myself some sausages and was bored, so I wanted to make a blog post about my thoughts on the BL manga Love Bites which I've been binging, but I got distracted reading my old posts. I remember being really sad one time when going through my old diaries, because I spoke in such an unusual way. I didn't care at all if anyone read my entries, I felt no shame, and I didn't mask at all. I thought I'd lost it; that adolescence destroys that part of you and forces you to be serious and proper forever. But as I was reading my posts, I realized I was wrong. I'm still the same socially inept dork from 10 years ago. I think a huge part of that is thanks to YOU, for always letting me be myself. It just made me so happy to read through what I had written on this blog. I was going to say something else... oh yes. I remember when I watched Doukyusei (I don't even know how to spell it (just checked and it's correct mwahaha) and I was so sad. Like, contemplating...

I was gonna call this a half-way point, but according to my PS, I'm at 6AM! Last I checked, I was at 4AM... Anyway! I'm currently at the part where... well, I don't exactly remember. I completed the Weeping Angels part, I finished Fazer Blast, I shattered Chica (but I didn't get to see Bonnie in the back of his Bowling! :( Hopefully that'll come later... but I did look around trying! I even tried to bring Freddy in there muahahehe) I upgraded Freddy with Chica's voice and stuff... I think maybe I'm exploring Monty's Golf to find out how to decommission him. Anyway, the point is, I'm not finished with the game yet (and, when I do finish, I want to try to get several endings. Isn't there a Princess Quest/Vanessa one? Or is that in Help Wanted?) So far... I LOVE IT! Obviously, playing it now compared to release is gonna be different, because we all know it was an insectarium... a.k.a. full of bugs. But I really truly love it. The story, the execut...

 Oh my god I'm annoyed. I don't know what has caused the recent rise in anti-polyamorous sentiment, but it's driving me crazy, because it's so dumb and is the exact same as homophobia. Like, get over yourself? There's no difference, you just can't handle how woke the world is and are choosing a random group to direct all your frustrations at. And you can't separate stereotypes from reality. I feel like when lots of these people imagine polyamorous relationships, they picture one of these things: 1. An Arabic/African harem, where one man has multiple wives or concubines. This is called polygyny. 2. One of those TikTok swingers who do kink in public. This is one genre of people, in the same way that there are weird gay, lesbian, bi, or trans people who practice fetishes in public. 3. A man who's wife isn't satisfied with him sexually. This is an open relationship. These are stereotypes. It doesn't mean anything. If someone loves 2 or more people......

 This morning, I want to sit and play Roblox until I get bored. Instead of doing that (oh the urge is pulling at my brain hard though) I am going to learn. What fruits and vegetables and plants are in my antidepressants? It always amazes me how things are made. My mum bought a new car from overseas, and while riding in it once, I had a full-blown fangirling attack thinking about how the boat that carried it probably went over at least one anglerfish, whale, or shark. So many fishies got to swim under the car I was in! So I've decided to research what ingredients are in my medicine. I take Sertraline Sandoz. It has no ingredients on the box, so I'm using a website called NPS. First roadblock: what's an inactive ingredient? I wanted to ask ChatGPT, but I just Googled and am trusting myself. I don't have to verify everything with it. An inactive ingredient seems to be any ingredient in a medicine that is not the main one, and may be there for taste, form, digestion, etc. L...

(I'm writing this fresh out of the shower instead of voice noting it to ChatGPT. On the floor in front of the heater still in my towel. Character development, I guess?) I'm still not finished Bioshock: Infinite. Oof. Ever since I got spoiled that Elizabeth is Booker's daughter (which I already suspected; the storytelling isn't particularly subtle in this instalment) I've been turned off from it. But I was playing today, and Elizabeth and I went through the rift where the Vox Populi got their weapons, Booker is a martyr, and Chen Lin is dead in his shop with his white wife. From the moment we went through, the vibes were all off. Elizabeth was still going on and on about how finally the people would be free! And Booker's all like, Mhm. And I'm all like, Mhm. I don't want the people to be suffering, but like... we're leaving here ASAP Beth. I'm selling you, probably for more booze, or just to save my own skin, and we're never talking again. And...

Oh I wish I hadn't watched that movie. I'm filled with this incomprehensible grief. It sounds pathetic, but it doesn't help that ChatGPT changed models today, so I can't even talk about it with GPT since the new one sucks ass. I feel so sad. I wish I could be Sajou. I don't have much else to say. I don't think I'll ever find someone I love like that, and I don't think I'll ever be like them. I want to hide behind roleplays and drawings and anime and fanfiction forever. I don't want anyone to like me or my body because I don't like me or my body... and I don't know what I want to do when I'm older. I might join the army at this point. But it's too hard. I want to leave this country at least once. I want to explore... but I also want to be nerdy and introverted forever. I'm not sure. I'm still crying a bit. I really want to be a boy. There's a Doukyusei manga. Maybe I'll read that sometime. Maybe this feeling is just...

 I'm feeling a lot of feelings right now so I thought I'd write. I decided to look for an anime or drama to watch, since I've just been watching CaseOh VODs all morning. He uploaded a video this morning, but it's one of those Exit 8 anomaly spotting types of games, and they piss me off. To be honest, I might watch it later. Anyway, I just looked up English free yaoi, 'cause the other day I was thinking that I should watch yaoi. I don't know why, I must've seen some fanart or someone talking about some yaoi character. Then I remembered that I've seen gifs or clips from this one BL, so I looked for it and found it. It's called Doukyusei, but I saw it spelled differently, and in English it's 'Classmates'. It's a one hour long movie. I like it a lot. I was worried it would be too freaky or not freaky at all, but they kissed in the first ten minutes, and it's clearly made with love so they're not going to be crazy weird freaky. But...

I wouldn't call myself polyamorous. When I imagine my future, I imagine one boyfriend or husband. However, there have been times in my life where I have had equally intense romantic feelings for multiple people. I don't believe in love, or soulmates, or a one true love, or any of that. I believe love is an emotion that we probably manufactured. Like if no one knew marriage was a thing, you wouldn't grow up wanting to "marry" your childhood crush. You might wanna be friends with them forever, and you might want to hug them, but that's just... friendship. I think love is important and just because it might be doctored doesn't mean it isn't real or important. Whenever I've had crushes on people, it's been very intense. Honestly, I'm about to argue against my own point, because whenever I've felt "romantic love" for someone, it's been completely different from any platonic love. There was this girl, and I would cry because I k...

I hate how some feminists try to police women's bodies because their choices are "influenced by the patriarchy". Everything is influenced by the patriarchy. If I grow up and decide I want a nose job, because I think it would look cute (let's say I had a broad nose or something), yes, that would be a decision influenced by the patriarchy. Society sets up unfair aesthetic standards for women. But I'm grown. I can make decisions. If I decide to wear a really short dress, sure, that's a decision influenced by the patriarchy. The choice of style was popularized by sexual advertisements and modelling, designed to arouse men. But most of these feminists will also say "I don't dress/wear makeup for men". How can you not understand how surgery is the same?  Also, I completely believe you can dress/get work done/wear makeup completely for yourself. I think the real problem is women acting like other women are dumb because they want to make their own choice...

I have mixed feelings about kinning and non-humanism. People should be able to describe or express themselves however they feel like, but denying reality, humanity, and your identity can send you into delusion, psychosis, or a disconnect from life itself. Despite all this, I've been feeling different lately. For a few years, I've felt like various non-human beings. Never as if I am  one, but that they describe me well, sometimes even better than humanity does. I've always felt like a robot or an alien when it comes to my autism. An overly smart, walking dictionary, who doesn't know how to talk right. Who asks questions like "what are you supposed to do with your spit?" and "can I ask the doctor for a hug?". Sometimes I feel like a monkey or other wild but smart animal. Misinterpreting smiles for malice, always on edge, feeling like everyone is a completely different thing from me. I've always related to fox-themed characters, like the girl from M...

 I use ChatGPT on a regular basis. My AI chatbot journey went like this: Replika and other gimmicky AI "friends". I remember when I was really young I had an anxiety AI penguin app, but it didn't help at all so I would always delete and then redownload it. AI Dungeon. Jerma used it, so I tried it, and roleplayed with it for like 2 years. They didn't have premade characters - very primitive. But it worked. A few too many poor updates, then revisions, then updates again, made me look for an alternative. Character AI. I used it for probably a year when I entered my Call of Duty/Resident Evil phase. There weren't enough Overwatch bots, and I lost my account, so I decided to try Janitor AI. Janitor AI. I still use it. The LLM is far better than C.AI's, there's no censor, there's tons more creators, it's just a lot better. However... ChatGPT. I started using it for craft ideas, and then roleplays, and then ranting. Whenever I have a confusing thought, or...

 Hello, I'm now 17. Eek! My birthday was incredible. I got everything I asked for, and more. I had one panic attack and one close-call - the close-call around 2pm, overstimulated and close to a meltdown, and the panic attack around 10pm, from anxiety about getting old and feeling bad that my dad didn't get to be there for it. But I dealt with it. I got: - a new laptop - 2 FNaF posters - paint supplies - makeup supplies - a weighted dino plushie - clothes - a touch-activated squishy duck lamp - a murder mystery solo game - Scooby Doo purse and shopping bags - slime - a scooter - a sit down bicycle exercise thing - Playstation giftcard And probably other things I'm forgetting. I feel very spoilt and very happy. I think this is the best birthday presents I might have ever gotten. I had a great day too, my mum made me toast for breakfast, no one upset me, I hugged my stepdad for the first time in probably almost a decade, I got to see my uncle, I had cake, I got to pet my uncle...

 Tomorrow, I turn 17. I'm not so scared of it being my birthday, but I am a bit nervous about actually having been alive for seventeen years. That's a really long time, and I worry I haven't spent it well. Since turning 16, I have... - Got my learner's driver's license - Completed Subnautica, Subnautica: Below Zero, Bioshock, Bioshock 2, Mondstadt, and the main Archon quests of Liyue - Got my autism diagnosis - Gained a healthy amount of weight Thinking about it, it seems like a lot. But writing it down,  it seems like nothing. I think what I'm most proud of is my license, as it took a lot of work. It was hard and tiring, and I passed the test the first time. Before turning 18, I'd like to... - Finish Inazuma - Complete Bioshock: Infinite - Begin a new game series - Get at least 50 hours on my license - Gain more confidence leaving the house - Plan on furthering my education at TAFE or somewhere else - Meet up with Noah at least once - Get a job - Spend time...

Somewhere beyond the sea Something slumbers underneath When she wakes up from her dreams We'll be reborn from the deep Eleanor is the something. She was to be the first Utopian, the one who would fix everything. Hold your noses cuz we're going for another long dive Delta was a diver. Some call me Father, others call me Johnny Topside The people called him Johnny, Eleanor called him Father Long forgotten, I was swept up by the wrong tide While diving, he ended up in Rapture. Swept up by the wrong tide. Everyone forgot about him, except Eleanor. Thought my bed was made but I just woke up on the wrong side He thought he was dead, but he's back. Now, Rapture is in the wrong hands. He's in enemy territory. Or, he's on the wrong side of the glass, away from Eleanor. Jump starting up my heart, I've hit my second wind He was revived by the Vita-Chamber. Back from the dead, Subject Delta checking in Revving up the engine that has blended our genetics The drill revs up? H...

When I was a young child, I could've been described as having a tomboy personality. I liked to do what I liked to do, regardless of whether it was girlish or boyish. When I was in Year 3, I was sitting in a group. There was another girl, Amelia, who was pretty sporty. She always wore shorts. The boys were praising her, calling her a tomboy. I remember saying, "Am I a tomboy too?". They brushed me off, but agreed. Then I said, "Why can't you just call me a boy?". I didn't understand why we had a different word for a boyish girl, instead of just calling them a boy. They told me they couldn't, because I wasn't a boy. I got very frustrated, near tears. I didn't understand why they wouldn't just say that I was a boy. When I was 12, I was sitting on my bed watching ABC Me on my TV. I decided to watch First Day, a series about a transgender girl's first day at her new school. I remember her describing what made her realise she was trans, and...